They Said It, Maybe
Apocryphal or real, the quotes are part of the game’s lore
My pal and colleague Sean Lahman gathered this bouquet for the eighth and final edition of Total Baseball, published in 2004.
The game of baseball has been a fountain of commentary and wit since it was played in its earliest forms. Everyone from presidents to paupers has played it or watched it, and everyone in between has had something to say about it.
Before and after each game, baseball players, managers, and executives alike are asked to dispense their thoughts on everything from that day’s opponent to the future of the game — and someone is there to record it. Most of these responses are digested by readers in the next day’s newspaper like a quick meal — essential at the time but quickly forgotten. Some statements, like baseball itself, live long after the next afternoon’s game or the next evening’s deadline.
This collection includes some of the most poignant — and humorous — statements made about baseball since people first took the time to record their thoughts about the game. Not only are some of the greatest players in the game’s history represented here, but also included are writers, poets, and royalty (or at least Babe Ruth, the “Sultan of Swat”). After his playing days had ended, Ruth reflected, “What I am, what I have, what I am going to leave behind me — all this I owe to the game of baseball, without which I would have come out of St. Mary’s Industrial School in Baltimore as a tailor, and a pretty bad one, at that.”
Leading Off
“Whoever would understand the heart and mind of America had better learn baseball, the rules and realities of the game — and do it by watching first some high school or small-town teams.”— Jacques Barzun
“It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.” — A. Bartlett Giamatti
“I see great things in baseball. It’s our game — the American game. It will take our people out of doors, fill them with oxygen, give them a larger physical stoicism. Tend to relieve us from being a nervous, dyspeptic set. Repair these losses, and be a blessing to us.”— Walt Whitman
“Baseball is the very symbol, the outward and visible expression of the drive and push and rush and struggle of the raging, tearing, booming 19th century.”— Mark Twain
“I enjoy the game because it’s a beautifully designed game. It’s a beautiful game to watch but principally because it makes me feel American. It makes me feel connected with this culture. And I think there are only three things that America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music and baseball. They’re the three most beautifully designed things this culture’s ever produced.”— Gerald Early
“The game itself is like Michelangelo’s masterwork in the Sistine Chapel. You can cover it in filth, neglect it to death, attack what it represents and those who supervise it. But the game itself is ever resilient and ever resplendent, and just when you believe you have seen the last of its beauty, some new angle becomes visible to your eye and it is as if you have seen its splendor for the first time.” — Keith Olbermann
Winning
“If you are content with yourself, you’ll stop taking those little steps forward and begin taking big steps backward.” — Greg Maddux
“This is not an easy game. To be a champion, you have to invest a little extra.”— Pete Rose
“There are only two places in the league. First and no place.”— Tom Seaver
“The worst thing is the day you realize you want to win more than your players do.” — Gene Mauch
“I’d rather be a swing man on a championship team than a regular on another team.”— Lou Piniella
“What are we out at the park for, except to win? I’d trip my mother. I’d help her up, brush her off, tell her I’m sorry. But mother don’t make it to third base.”— Leo Durocher
“Show me a guy who’s afraid to look bad, and I’ll show you a guy you can beat every time.” — Lou Brock
“The greatest thrill in the world is to end the game with a home run and watch everybody walk off the field while you’re running the bases on air.”— Al Rosen
“You may go a long time without winning, but you never forget that scent.”— Steve Busby
“The way a team plays as a whole determines its success. You may have the greatest bunch of individual stars in the world, but if they don’t play together, the club won’t be worth a dime.”— Babe Ruth
“In the end it all comes down to talent. You can talk all you want about intangibles, I just don’t know what that means. Talent makes winners, not intangibles. Can nice guys win? Sure, nice guys can win — if they’re nice guys with a lot of talent. Nice guys with a little talent finish fourth, and nice guys with no talent finish last.”— Sandy Koufax
Losing
“If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.”— George Brett
On the expansion Mets: “They’ve shown me ways to lose that I never knew existed.”— Casey Stengel
“The only way to prove that you’re a good sport is to lose.”— Ernie Banks
“The losing streak is bad for the fans, no doubt, but look at it this way. We’re making a lot of people happy in other cities.”— Ted Turner
Managing the 1973 Texas Rangers: “We need just two players to be a contender. Just Babe Ruth and Sandy Koufax.”— Whitey Herzog
“The fans like to see home runs, and we’ve assembled a pitching staff for their enjoyment.” — Clark Griffith
“The worst curse in life is unlimited potential.”— Ken Brett
Following a tough loss: “The only reason I’m coming out here tomorrow is the schedule says I have to.” — Sparky Anderson
“When you’re a winner you’re always happy, but if you’re happy as a loser you’ll always be a loser.” — Mark Fidrych
“If you don’t catch the ball, you catch the bus.”— Rocky Bridges
“Grantland Rice, the great sportswriter once said. ‘It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.’ Well, Grantland Rice can go to hell as far as I’m concerned.”— Angels owner Gene Autry
“Losing clubs bicker, and you think maybe if they pulled together they would win. No. That’s not it. If they won, they would pull together.”— Jim Bouton
“Losing streaks are funny. If you lose at the beginning, you got off to a bad start. If you lose in the middle of the season, you’re in a slump. If you lose at the end, you’re choking.”— Gene Mauch
Hitters
“I’ve found that you don’t need to wear a necktie if you can hit.”— Ted Williams
“Guessing what the pitcher is going to throw is 80 percent of being a successful hitter. The other 20 percent is just execution.”— Henry Aaron
“You don’t always make an out. Sometimes the pitcher gets you out.”— Carl Yastrzemski
When it was suggested he could raise his batting average by choking up on the bat: “Cadillacs are down at the end of the bat.”— Ralph Kiner
“You hit a four-ounce baseball with a 35-ounce bat and there’s going to be some damage.” — George Foster
“There is only one legitimate trick to pinch hitting, and that’s knowing the pitcher’s best pitch when the count is 3-and-2. All the rest is a crapshoot.”— Earl Weaver
“Carrots might be good for my eyes, but they won’t straighten out the curveball.” — Carl Furillo
“I have only one superstition. I make sure to touch all the bases when I hit a home run.” — Babe Ruth
“I have observed that baseball is not unlike a war, and when you come right down to it, we batters are the heavy artillery.”— Ty Cobb
“I wanted to be the greatest hitter who ever lived. A man has to have goals and that was mine, to have people say, ‘There goes Ted Williams. The greatest hitter who ever lived.’”— Ted Williams
Pitchers
“Closing games in the big leagues is a lot like landing airplanes. A successful effort rarely warrants notice and a failure is considered a full-scale disaster.” — John Franco
“The pitcher has to find out if the hitter is timid. And if the hitter is timid, he has to remind the hitter he’s timid.” — Don Drysdale
“I throw the ball right down the middle. The high-ball hitters swing over it and the low-ball hitters swing under it.”— Saul Rogovin
Explaining why he pitched so quickly: “What do you want me to do? Let them sons of bitches stand up there and think on my time?”— Grover Cleveland Alexander
“I’ve always felt a lot of pitching coaches made a living out of running pitchers so they wouldn’t have to spend that same time teaching them how to pitch.”— Johnny Sain
Responding to suggestions that he doctored pitches with a foreign substance: “I’m not going to agree with them and I’m not going to deny it. I do have a tendency to go to my hat a lot. I guess they figure that’s where it is. That’s not where it is, though.”— Mike Proly
“The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then pick it up.” — Bob Uecker
On being a relief pitcher: “Why pitch nine innings when you can get just as famous pitching two?” — Sparky Lyle
“All pitchers are liars and crybabies.”— Yogi Berra
“If I’d known I was gonna pitch a no-hitter today, I would have gotten a haircut.”— Bo Belinsky, 1962
To rookie pitcher Ernie Johnson after he surrendered a mammoth home run to Ted Williams: “Don’t worry, he’s hit them off better pitchers than you.”— Billy Southworth
“Nothing makes a pitcher feel more secure than the sight of his teammates circling the bases during a ball game.” — Jim Brosnan
“I exploit the greed of all hitters.”— Lew Burdette
Fielders
“Two-thirds of the Earth is covered by water. The other one-third is covered by Garry Maddox.” — Ralph Kiner
“A great catch is like watching girls go by. The last one you see is always the prettiest.”— Bob Gibson
“Pop singer Mariah Carey is now dating Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter — proving that he can catch damn near anything.”— Jim Mullen
On teammate Luis Polonia: “If you hit Polonia 100 fly balls, you could make a movie out of it — Catch 22.” — Dennis Lamp
“Guys who can field you can shake out of any old tree. Find me guys who can hit.”— Rogers Hornsby
“I could field as long as I can remember, but hitting has been a struggle all my life.” — Brooks Robinson
Managers
“The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.”— Casey Stengel
“When I first became a manager, I asked Chuck Tanner for advice. He told me, ‘Always rent.’” — Tony LaRussa
On his managerial debut: “I had no trouble communicating. The players just didn’t like what I had to say.”— Frank Robinson
“You don’t save a pitcher for tomorrow. Tomorrow it may rain.”— Leo Durocher
“Bad baseball players make good managers.”— Earl Weaver
During his tenure as a minor league manager: “I like my players to be married and in debt. That’s the way you motivate them.”— Ernie Banks
“The best qualification a coach can have is being the manager’s drinking buddy.”— Jim Bouton
“If a manager of mine ever said someone was indispensable, I’d fire him.”— Charles O. Finley
“If you don’t win, you’re going to be fired. If you do win, you’ve only put off the day you’re going to be fired.”— Leo Durocher
“It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.” — Earl Weaver
“There are three secrets to managing. The first secret is ‘have patience.’ The second is ‘be patient.’ And the third most important secret is ‘patience.’”— Chuck Tanner
“Concentration is the ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary.” — Ray Knight
“Most ballgames are lost, not won.” — Casey Stengel
Words of Praise
“Mark McGwire hit a popup that went so high, all nine guys called for it.”— Randy Bonferraro
“Trying to hit Phil Niekro is like trying to eat Jell-O with chopsticks.”— Bobby Murcer
“I’m not sure I know what the hell charisma is, but I get the feeling it’s Willie Mays.” — Ted Kluszewski
“Every time I look at my pocketbook, I see Jackie Robinson.”— Willie Mays
On Cool Papa Bell: “One time he hit a line drive right past my ear. I turned around and saw the ball hit his ass sliding into second.”— Satchel Paige
On Lefty Grove: “He could throw a lamb chop past a wolf.”— Bugs Baer
On the strength of Jimmie Foxx: “He has muscles in his hair.”— Lefty Gomez
On Tom Seaver: “Blind people come to the park just to listen to him pitch.”— Reggie Jackson
After being swept by Sandy Koufax and the Dodgers in the 1963 World Series: “I can see how he won 25 games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.”— Yogi Berra
On Pete Rose: “Does Pete hustle? Before the All-Star Game he came into the clubhouse and took off his shoes — and they ran another mile without him.”— Henry Aaron
“There have been only two authentic geniuses in the world, Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare.”— Tallulah Bankhead
On Walter Johnson: “He’s got a gun concealed on his person. They can’t tell me he throws them balls with his arm.”— Ring Lardner
On Steve Carlton: “Sometimes I hit him like I used to hit Koufax, and that’s like drinking coffee with a fork.” — Willie Stargell
On Mickey Mantle: “I wish I was half the ballplayer that he is.” — Al Kaline
On Willie Stargell: “He’s got power enough to hit home runs in any park, including Yellowstone.” — Sparky Anderson
“Jackie Robinson was the greatest competitor I ever saw. He didn’t win. He triumphed.”— Ralph Branca
Insults
On Hack Wilson: “The boy’s got talent and desire, but he ain’t got no neck.”— John McGraw
To teammate Joe Pepitone: “I wish I could buy you for what you’re really worth and sell you for what you think you’re worth.”— Mickey Mantle
On Ty Cobb: “He would climb a mountain to take a punch at an echo.”— Bugs Baer
On teammate Reggie Jackson: “Reggie’s really a good guy. He’d give you the shirt off his back. Of course, he’d call a press conference to announce it.”— Catfish Hunter
On Lou Boudreau: “He is easily the slowest ballplayer since Ernie Lombardi was thrown out at first base trying to stretch a double into a single.” — Stanley Frank
“Every day in every way, baseball gets fancier and fancier. A few more years and they’ll be playing on oriental rugs.”— Russell Baker
On the Chicago Black Sox: “Benedict Arnold — betrayers of American boyhood. Not to mention American Girlhood and American Womanhood and American Hoodhood.”— Nelson Algren
“My own opinion is that the people who want to put Joe Jackson in the Hall of Fame are baseball’s answer to those women who show up at murder trials wanting to marry the cute murderer.”— Bill James
On Hack Wilson: “He was built along the lines of a beer keg and not unfamiliar with its contents.” — Shirley Povich
“If Boog Powell held out his right arm he’d be a railroad crossing.”— Joe Garagiola
On teammate Thurman Munson: “Munson’s not moody, he’s just mean. When you’re moody, you’re nice sometimes.”— Sparky Lyle
Self-reflection
On reading that a poll of managers had said he possessed the best slider in the American League: “I’m flattered, but I don’t throw a slider.”— Pedro Martinez
On his pursuit of Ty Cobb’s all-time hit record: “When I get the record, all it will make me is the player with the most hits. I’m also the player with the most at bats and the most outs. I never said I was a greater player than Cobb.”
— Pete Rose
Nicknamed “The Human Rain Delay” for his behavior in the batter’s box: “I feel my ability as a ballplayer is overshadowed by people saying, ‘Hey, look at that idiot at the plate.’”— Mike Hargrove
“I’m the straw that stirs the drink.”— Reggie Jackson
During his Hall of Fame induction: “The Good Lord was good to me. He gave me a strong body, a good right arm, and a weak mind.”— Dizzy Dean
“You can’t get rich sitting on the bench, but I’m giving it a try.”— Phil Linz
“I’m in the twilight of a mediocre career.”— Frank Sullivan
“The highlight of my career? Oh, I’d say that was in 1967 in St. Louis. I walked with the bases loaded to drive in the winning run in an intrasquad game in spring training.”— Bob Uecker
“I’m working on a new pitch. It’s called a strike.”— Jim Kern
“If I knew I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”— Mickey Mantle, at age 46
“I ain’t what I used to be, but who the hell is?”— Dizzy Dean
“Trying to think with me is a mismatch. Hell, most of the time I don’t know where it’s going.”— Sam McDowell
“They shouldn’t throw at me, I’m the father of five or six kids.”— Tito Fuentes
“I’ve heard of guys going 0-for-15, or 0-for-25, but I was 0-for-July.”— Bob Aspromonte
“I loved the game. I loved the competition. But I never had any fun. I never enjoyed it. All hard work, all the time.”— Carl Yastrzemski
“Now they talk on the radio about the records set by Ruth, and DiMaggio and Henry Aaron. But they rarely mention mine. Do you know what I have to show for the 61 home runs? Nothing, exactly nothing.”— Roger Maris
“I didn’t come to New York to be a star. I brought my star with me.”— Reggie Jackson
“If I’d done everything I was supposed to, I’d be leading the league in homers, have the highest batting average, have given $100,000 to the Cancer Fund, and be married to Marie Osmond.”— Clint Hurdle
“I owe my success to expansion pitching, a short right field fence, and my hollow bats.” — Norm Cash
“If I did anything funny on the ball field, it was strictly accidental. Like the way I played third. Some people thought it was hilarious, but I was on the level all of the time.”— Rocky Bridges
“There is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first or last time. I owe him my best.” — Joe DiMaggio
The Business of Baseball
“The great trouble with baseball today is that most of the players are in the game for the money and that’s it — not for the love of it, the excitement of it, the thrill of it.”— Ty Cobb, 1925
After negotiating his 1945 contract with Dodgers executive Branch Rickey: “I got a million dollars worth of free advice and a very small raise.”— Eddie Stanky
Describing what he would do with his 1975 salary: “Ninety percent I’ll spend on good times, women, and Irish whiskey. The other 10 percent I’ll probably waste.” — Tug McGraw
On Fernando Valenzuela’s 1982 contract holdout: “All last year we tried to teach him English, and the only word he learned was ‘million.’”— Tommy Lasorda
“I don’t need an agent. Why should I give somebody 10 percent when I do all the work?”— Mark Fidrych
Challenging baseball’s reserve clause in 1970: “A well-paid slave is nonetheless a slave.”— Curt Flood
“It isn’t really the stars that are expensive. It’s the high cost of mediocrity.”— Bill Veeck
“I signed Oscar Gamble on the advice of my attorney. I no longer have Gamble and I no longer have my attorney.” — Ray Kroc
“You measure the value of a ballplayer by how many fannies he puts in the seats.”— George Steinbrenner
“Sometimes the best deals are the ones you don’t make.” — Bill Veeck
Speaking of Teams
“Rooting for the New York Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.”— Red Smith
“Cut me and I’ll bleed Dodger blue.”— Tommy Lasorda
“All literary men are Red Sox fans. To be a Yankee fan in literary society is to endanger your life.” — John Cheever
After his trade to the Phillies in 1955: “That’s too bad. They’re the only team I can beat.”— Dave Cole
“When I was a kid, I wanted to play baseball and join the circus. With the Yankees, I’ve been able to do both.”— Graig Nettles
As manager of the Cardinals’ “Gashouse Gang”: “We could finish first or in an asylum.” — Frankie Frisch
“Baseball isn’t a life and death matter, but the Red Sox are.”— Mike Barnicle
The Arts
Fictional manager of the Washington Senators, to the Devil, in the musical Damn Yankees: “One longball hitter, that’s what we need. I’d sell my soul for one longball hitter . . . hey, where did you come from?”— Robert Shafer
“Poets are like baseball pitchers. Both have their moments. The intervals are the tough things.”— Robert Frost
“I never thought about being a writer as I grew up; a writer wasn’t something to be. An outfielder was something to be. Most of what I know about style I learned from Roberto Clemente.”— John Sayles
Fictional fan in the movie Bull Durham: “I believe in the Church of Baseball. I’ve tried all the major religions and most of the minor ones. And the only church that truly feeds the soul, day-in day-out, is the Church of Baseball.”
— Annie Savoy
In Shoeless Joe: “If you build it, he will come.”— W.P. Kinsella
The Media
“There’s a fly to deep center field. Winfield is going back, back. He hits his head against the wall. It’s rolling toward second base.”— Jerry Coleman
On fans who bring their radios to the ballpark: “I always thought it was strange knowing that thousands of people are listening to you describe a play they are watching.”— Vin Scully
“I heard the doctors revived a man after being dead for four-and-a-half minutes. When they asked what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to New York Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.”— David Letterman
“It is interesting about people that leave early from ballgames. It’s almost as if they came out to the ballgame to see if they can beat the traffic home.”— Lon Simmons
“The groan is audible. It can also be heard.”— Harry Caray
Umpires
“Many fans look upon an umpire as a sort of necessary evil to the luxury of baseball, like the odor that follows an automobile.”— Christy Mathewson
“Umpiring is the only profession in the world where you have to be perfect when you start and continue to improve.”— Todd Greanier
“If you don’t think you’re out, read the morning paper.” — Bill McGowan, umpire
“Boys, I’m one of those umpires that misses ’em every once in awhile. So if it’s close, you’d better hit it.”— Cal Hubbard
“Whenever you have a tight situation and there’s a close pitch, the umpire gets a squawk no matter how he calls it.” — Red Barber
Yogi-isms
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”— Yogi Berra
“If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s going to stop them.”— Yogi Berra
“If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”— Yogi Berra
On why he was wearing gloves: “I’m wearing these gloves for my hands.” — Yogi Berra
“You can observe a lot just by watching.” — Yogi Berra
